Doom.... Keeps going and going....

I've been listening to MM for the last week straight and this is one of my favorite songs ^.

So besides that. I met J last weekend. We found out we have so many wierd things in common. Orange is both our favorite colors. (I know, I know, favorite colors aren't that fucking wierd) So get this: Both our mothers have Lupus. It is an extrememly rare disease and so to know someone with the same kind of situation is really cool. I know he understands it more than I do so maybe he can help me understand my mother's plight better.

Um... Besides that we both will listen to almost any kind of music, which is awesome, we had a singing contest on the way to S.C. the other day. He sings everything from Seether and Manson to fucking Backstreet Boys and Ryan Cabrera. It's amazing.

He's 23 so at least he's not about to go into a mid-life crisis about shit yet ahah.

I really really like him. It's crazy. I'm holding back a little because I know there's still some shit with B that I need to sort through on my own so I'm trying not to rush everything.

No crazy exes OR kids.... Yay! haha.

But other than that... I got my job back at BBY and got my nose pierced. It didn't hurt as much as before... Or maybe I just don't remember haha.

I talked to B for a while tonight to see what he wants me to do with the ring and pictures and stuff. I don't know yet what's going to happen. He said we'll talk more about it later because tonight just turned into a: me bawling and babbling and him (pretending?) not caring about any of it.

I did a Tarot cuz I was so fucking confused. It actually opened my eyes a little bit to the things with B and I also asked what things I need to be a little apprehensive about with J.

But all in all things have been shitty to great the past couple hours and I'm excited for the Fourth.

Oh and Happy Canada Day. =]

I'm having a good day. I got up before 9 o'clock. Had my interview with Brent at Best Buy and everything went pretty well. I'll be making $8.00 an hour which is a quarter more than last time I worked there. I did a drug test for the job and (hopefully) peed enough in the cup. If not I'll be mad lol.

I went to the library and got a Spanish book with a C.D. so that's pretty cool. As well as some Anne Rice books but of course they only had like two different ones because of the whole 'omfg vampires lol i <3 vampires'

Stupid teenage girls.

I'll admit, I have stupid moments too but society, as a whole, seems to be devolving.

But I am having a good day. I'm listening to Mich Hedburg and he's funny as hell... Um... Got to hang out with J-man the other day so that was fun. I just wish he didn't have so much fucking drama going on. Not that I see this really going anywhere (he is 25 with an exwife and two kids) but he's a good person to hang out with. He's funny and we like to just chill and watch movies.

B isn't responding to any of my text messages so I don't completely know if I'm going to get to see him when he comes to visit.

I've also made friends with a guy named Tyler. The only thing is that I'm wondering if I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "HEY IF YOU ARE/WERE IN THE MILITARY... TALK TO MEEEEE!!!!!"

Fucking military.

But my iPod is charged and I'm going to mush my brain a little with some T.V. so laters =]

Okay the title is a little wrong. I don't really know about this job yet. It might be better later but so far it's hard. Wow imagine that, a hard job? WTF?! Just kidding.

The only thing I really hate is that I don't know anyone here so I don't do a lot of work around here. I have to keep going up north and back here. Besides that as I don't know anyone, I have no friends and nothing to do when I'm not working. I did have one friend but a bunch of stupid drama happened and now I don't talk to him anymore cuz he needs a break from the bullshit his ex is putting him thru.

No details available for that unless anyone is actually interested. So I guess since my Mp3 went to shit I'm gonna try to deal with my fuckin stupid iPod. Urg.

Later.

I've been so fucked over lately. I can't be one emotion or the other for long. I'm either happy for the moment or I'm cripplingly miserable. And it doesn't make me feel any better that my friends have to suffer my moodswings too. It's not fair to them. It's not their fault. But I don't know what to do.

Misery could use some company right now.

B is gone.

If I write it I still don't believe it. I feel like I'm dreaming...

That's why I've done the things I have. I have to feel alive for a minute. I've cut again. Just to try and feel something and it didn't work. I felt nothing but more misery and guilt. Right now I've had my fill of those two.

And of course, when I fall into this shit, my mind makes up shit. M didn't text me for a weekend. One weekend. And I thought she totally hated me and didn't ever want to talk to me again. I had little flashes of everyone at her house, Buddy, Tori (sp?), Ashley, Ashley C., Jake.... Everyone just sitting around smoking saying they were glad I wasn't there to fuck it up.

Now somewhere in the logical part of my brain I'm saying things like, 'that's not true.... Like they'd waste time talking about you...'.... My logics aren't any better than my fucked-up-ics....

I just feel so fucking alone. N is gone. Johnnidy doesn't talk to me anymore. Coda is out there somewhere in St. C perhaps dead or in trouble. And I'm so scared. I feel like I pushed all my friends away. Though I don't know how. I feel like it.

I always blame myself for shit that I can't help and it's exhausting, honestly. I miss my friends and I miss my life... I don't feel good enough for anyone right now. And the more time I spend with myself, the worse it gets. I've realized I can't stand myself.

So how can anyone else fair better?

I go to bed at night just thinking about something little, like M's shoes last night, and it turns into this big fucking terrible revelation of someone new hating me. I act like I don't care but I care a lot. And I wish I didn't.

No one will listen to me and I feel so utterly alone.

As I was saying before I went on a rant, I go to bed at night and I just cry. For hours. Uncontrollably.

It's such a crippling depression and I have no idea what to do.

I feel literally like a hole has been torn in my chest and it hurts. It does feel like my fucking heart is gone. And I'm so scared.

I love B so much and I've already fucked everything up, I know.

I don't expect him to understand at all.

He won't understand. He'll just leave and I'll never hear from him again. Like ever.

I've cried for so many nights. Ever since he left, I think I had one night that didn't involve tears.

I wake up in the middle of the night with this growing gap in my chest and I just curl into a ball and cry. I need someone to listen to me NOW....

I don't know how long I can do this.

Before I shatter.

I'm going to try sleeping. Sometime tonight....

Failblog. What else is there to say haha.

Did pretty much nothing today but get kicked out of a pointless class that has nothing to do with what people will treat you like in the real fucking world. You want an apartment, well you make $80000 dollars a week, so just cash that fucking imaginary check and I suppose if you're careful, you can do it!

What bullshit.

(BTW: We are getting BUTT RAPED! with snow for the next few days so..... OVEN HERE I COME!!)

My letters to B just get sadder and sadder. I feel like I have nothing to say anymore. I'm glad he won't see them until after he gets back. If I can handle this that long. I really don't know if I can do this anymore. It hasn't even been that long but, the less new stories I have to tell about him, the more I feel like he's just someone I made up. I must be crazy to think like that, but I do.

Like he was just a really great dream....

I find myself having a much shorter fuse. (to point out the obvious) Even to my friends. No, more like ESPECIALLY to my friends. I feel terrible about it but I don't know what to do or say. It really is like a piece of me is gone. M and C get to see each other and (FUCK- I'm really jealous about the fuck part.) so I'm stuck here alone. I have nothing to occupy my time.

Yay! Monday- N doesn't have treatment, chill w/ her till Eleven or so cuz I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts

Tuesday- Sucktastic. Nothing usually planned, but nothing of any significance.

Wednesday- M has art club, sit around there for a while. Then listen to some good-halfway decent music at T station.

Thursday- Everyone's pumped for the weekend. Except Emo-me.

Friday- YAY!! M leaves for C's (except this weekend, so I'm holding out a little hope there...)

Saturday- Sit on my fat lazy ass until N gets done with treatment, then do something stupid or watch her get stoned, maybe hang out with Johnny.

Sunday- Pretty much the same, only tighter curfew for N and no treatment as well... So I sit on my fat lazy ass WITH her.... YAY

There's my week outline. Pretty epic huh?

Maybe that will give someone a little insight to why the fuck I'm so crabby. (**Don't mean this like a bitch I assure you =\ **) But I don't know what to do anymore.

B's mom didn't write me today. I hope his G'pa's okay.

I guess I just have to live until I get that letter in the mail, possibly assuring me for another day that I didn't dream him up and that he really does care. Well I know he cares but.... It's hard to see that right this minute...

Night y'all.

Today has been utter shit. Simba died. (My cat) He's been in bad shape for quite some time now... I've had him since I was 2 years old. He would be around 16 or so... I kinda had a feeling this morning when I left for the dr. that he was going slowly. I thought he'd live forever though.

I got to talk to B again I was so happy but it's always so loud and I feel like I can't tell him anything right now cuz he'll feel bad that he can't be here for me.

That's why I'm so mad at M.

I'll admit it's unfair to be mad about B being gone bcuz there's nothing she can do about that. But when C's just mean to me for no reason it really bothers me. I don't even want to write anymore bcuz I have no idea what to say anymore.

I literally feel like my life is falling apart. It's down to Nermin and I. How long till she backs out cuz she doesn't know how to help me? Or worse, till she falls into her drug cycle again?

I never get to talk to my mom. Josh drives me nuts! My dad's never really understood me and he wouldn't know what to tell me.

I know I'm probably over-reacting but I can't help it. I barely made it a week without B. How am I supposed to deal with 6 months?

Especially if M and I keep fighting. I'm so fucking scared I'm gonna lose everything. How many friends have I lost this year? How many will I end up with?

It's all just so hard right now. I miss Simba so much and I know he's a cat but he was my family and I loved him.

M if you read this I hope it makes a little sense. I don't know what to do right now and I'm sorry if I took some of my anger with C out on you but it does really bother me.

I hope court goes well tomorrow.

Kidding. Surprisingly I had an okay day. B's leaving tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that tonight was the last night I get to hear his voice for about 10 weeks. =[ I can't even explain the misery going on right now. He left me the cutest fucking letter ever on my tagged account. I love him so much... Even if he's the biggest dork ever haha

YEA ive got aids ahhh anyways kylie i love you and i will see u when i get back hopefully u can come down with my rents mabye to see me grad and i can see u before ait i love you and cant wait to really be wiht you, ya know its just these past months that ive realized u really are my world sure ive been wiht other people and told them no one has ever made me feel this way but when i say this to you i really mean it and i cant fucken explain it when u read this plz dont cry i know i cant be there for you right now and it really hurts me and i kno i cant say i love you enough and i also promise i will come back to you and ill try not to change i guess waht i just really wanna say is that i wnna be with u kylie i realy do were so different but the same and i love it i love youi promise i will write you i will write ever time i can and call u when i get the chance it wil be so nice to hear ur voice but i really cant wait to hold u in my arms again i live for that moment and soon i will have that everyday crazy enough i know but i just cant wait i love you and dont do anything stupid wile im gone or ill kick urs and mystis ass btw ur married so u should get on that haha

Don't ask about the end part bcuz I don't understand it at all man... He can't spell but that's okay. Anything that drives me crazy, doesn't matter with him. I think this is real love. I do.

Wow though. Really wow. I didn't know he really felt all this shit... I'm so fucking happy.

6 months is a LONG fucking time but it's going to be okay. He always tells me it will be okay. Always.

And I believe it all. If I get crushed, this is going to be the worst. He's really my everything. And I can't wait to tell him that I love him in person again. He's going to be in SC for Basic and then TX for AIT. He's going to be a medic... Sweet! Now I won't have to worry about dying all the time haha.

I took a video of him. Just talking to me. And I love it. It makes me cry but it's okay. I lied, I'm not really miserable. Just a little lonely I guess. But he'll be back and I'm so stoked.

N and I got into it a little today about her fucking drug shit. I'm really just getting sick of taking care of everyone else. I want it to be about me a little for these couple months. Once I graduate it will be about my job and my (hopeful) apartment and bills. For now, I want as little stress as humanly possible.

I told her that she needs to stop this shit or I'm really not going to be there for her anymore. She needs to quit pot. I don't totally agree with that but she does over-do it a lot. And her parents need her to. Just until she's done with UA's. Then I don't care if she smokes herself retarded ONCE IN A WHILE!!

But I'm gonna go to bed. Tiff's here and Willy's finally walking. I guess he might be okay. I hope to god he is.

I love B so much. He makes everything seem better.=]

Omg it's true. Everything is unblocked at school today. Checked my Myspace in Fourth hour cuz Kjera never showed up for filming our video. It's so effin funny. The bloopers are the best part!

Going to B-Town soon... I can't wait. But B was acting like an A-hole yesterday... Wow that's way too many shortenings of words. Whatever you call that. I can't think right now.

I'm not sure why he was but it made me really mad. I texted him first. He texted back for a little while, then stopped for a few hours. (This continued through the night. He wouldn't text me first, which is weird) And he never called me. He always calls me after school or before he goes to work or whenever. He always does. Yesterday, nothing. So then I was texting him after I dropped off M and C at M's house.

Don't remember what started it or what but here's the end of it...

Me: wish I was there with you =[

B: Yeah.

Me: I'm sad.

B: Y love

(BTW: I LOVE it when he calls me that =]])

Me: Cuz i dont' have a job and your leaving soon. Mostly the last one. =[

B: I'm sorry

Me: It's okay.

B: NOTHING!!! WTF??? Fucking stupid kid!

[Like 30 mins Later]

B: Hi

Me: um... hi...

B: NOTHING AGAIN!!!

Me: um... oookay??

B: What?

Me: nothing

B: Whatever then bye

Me: Fine. Bye.

Then I continued to cry as I was while I texted him that I was sad. I haven't talked to him yet today. Usually when this kind of stuff happens he texts me in the middle of the night so I wake up to something like:

B: Baby I'm an asshole. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you.

But no. Nothing this morning. No Mysti to cheer me up a little. No nothing.

I wanna cry right now. But I won't.

I really don't know what to do about this kid. I love him so much.

So it's still technically Valentine's day.. A day that's been nothing less than disappointing most years... I can't help but think of J again... I remember him coming home on V-day waking me up and putting a feather-rose in my hand... I don't want to admit this to anyone else but I think I have to sometime. I think about him everyday.

I don't know what's wrong with me... It's just pretty hard to get over him which sounds so fucking stupid cuz I close to hated him sometimes. But I'm just gonna deal with this as I go...

As for my valentine's day this year it was pretty good. I went to get B from his house cuz we were gonna get my oil changed but we ended up just coming back here (my dad's). We watched tv and movies most of the day... My dad suggested order-in chinese and we just chilled. Today really was a good day though.. He laughed about the Redneck presents and wore the hat for a little bit haha.

He was being a brat and wouldn't kiss me he kept moving his head and I felt my heart sink. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. Since Kayl really. He was laying on his stomach pretending to sleep and I just started rubbing his back. I remember when I was with Josh I hated doing pretty much anything for him but with Brandon I don't care if he does anything for me as long as I can make him content. In short I really realized how deeply I care about him. I haven't loved someone like this for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.

I can't tell him about Kayl.

It kills me but I can't. I just can't deal with never seeing him again.

*On a cuter note he looked at his watch last night and said 1 month and 3 days. I can't believe he knows that. I didn't remember it.

He's really everything I need. As much as he's completely opposite and crazy I love every minute of it.

We were watching the end of Sixth Sense and I started crying cuz it's sad (I'm a baby I know). So he thought it was a good time to talk. haha crazy kid. He'd read my book earlier and didn't say anything about it. So now he says: "you really that worried about me leaving?"

I wanted to scream DUH! but instead I was like yeah.. Idk why but sometimes I just really worry about it.

Then he reassures me by saying he has way too much to lose if he goes to Afghanistan. He has his family, his daughter, and me, and his friends. I had to bite my tounge to keep from saying "so does everyone else who dies there!" but I want to be more reassuring so I just tried not to cry. I don't want him to go to Basic. I'm scared.

I'd do anything for him but I'm scared I can't stop this stupid shit. It's crazy, if I concentrate, I can make myself think that Kayl was just a dream. And I believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do... I love him so much.

On top of all of this shit I'm so scared to graduate. I keep putting off the scholarships and stuff cuz it'll make it real to me. I've had a taste of college life. It was hard as fuck. And I didn't even have to worry about rent, food, money and shit. Just the work. Now I'll have rent, food, utlities, tuition... All that shit and possibly more if B gets custody... I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so fucking scared all the time that it shouldn't seem different but it is. It's terrible. But I'm gonna stop freaking right now...

Mysti I'm glad we'll both be close... I don't know what I'd do without you there. =]

We were moving much too f a  s   t===

There was something wrong

Breathing in sequence

Then we lost the R.H..Y...T....H.....M

Smashing into reality

Through all the rubble

I spot you far away

Are you still here?

Breathing in your life

Until we slowly d_r__i__f___t

This will last baby

But don't forget

When I'm gone