Doom.... Keeps going and going....

http://www.worldometers.info/

I need to remember to set up a meeting with the Dragon Lady RIGHT after school's out... Before that, I need A's!

Really bad!

Then I can see about CLC. Anyway... I hate life.

I think I made the Whore Hall of Fame this weekend.

I wanted to write about it sooner but here it is.

Got drunk with J and N

C came over and he got drunk

Cory came over and he did too

J picked up some creepy incest kid that looks like the people on the Hills Have Eyes...

C started hitting on me and Cory did too.

I felt pretty good about myself by then so C and I started messing around

Later led to the dirty deed. (I have a boyfriend still)

*That's why it's the whore hall of fame...

Morning:

Not hungover.

Get kicked out of MY bed by some guy I don't know...

Go in J's room and sleep in a blanket on the floor..

J and N come to sleep with me.

J starts touching me while he's wankin' it.

N gets mad but I'm too tired to do anything about J.

(Plus I feel like shit for cheating)

Rich comes up... don't know him or any of the other people he's with but he starts hitting on me too.

Everyone tries to get me to flash them, including Cassie.

I say no.

Everyone leaves but J, N, Rich, and I.

Rich and I are laying on the floor and we start messing around.

He's cute, black, and Married.

We fucked too.

So I'm a skank. I feel like shit.

So one more day to do the hard copy of the Locational Analysis.

Don't want to do it.

I did the slide show and I have info...

I don't want to do it.

Thank Santa for procrastination.

Actually, I'm usually not too much of a procrastinator. I feel like I am but when I look at it, I'm really not.

Except in the instance of cleaning my room or stuff like that. But at work or school, usually I mess around a little, work pretty hard and get it done and THEN I eff around more...

I don't know...

I feel like I've done so much already. It was so effin time consuming.

We've had like 2 1/2 weeks or so and I probably worked over half that time. (Granted I didn't really STRAIN myself or anything but I still did it right?)

So I think it counts for something.

Who was the last person you offended?
Submitted by May.

Possibly and most probably EVERYONE...

I don't think that people should not be offended. What's the worst that can happen, right?

Maybe if more people were offended, the world would be a better place. Seriously.

All that happens (In my opinion) when you are offended is you either get angry or you get uncomfortable.

If I offend you.

GOOD!

Thank you.

(As long as you're polite about it, it's okay, right? Please say I'm right.... :)

I should be working but I don't really feel like it... All I have to do is my first hour project... All my other classes are pretty pointless right now... Finals and that's it.

God....

Today is one of those days I just want to leave and drive until I'm out of gas and then just fuck off... I don't even care where I am anymore... I need to get out of here.

Slow things down or speed them up/ Not enough or way too much

Totally my life right now... (Ohio is for lovers by Hawthorne Heights)

I don't know what I'm doing with Josh. I want him gone but I don't want him anywhere but with me. When he spends time with anyone else, I get so depressed. Even when it's Elton. I just love him so much... but he doesn't love me...

Well, he says he does, but not as much as he used to. I just want to know what happened...

Did I do something?

Did it change when I started talking to Kayl again?

Was it the whole M thing? (No... I don't think so because he said it has been like this for a while.)

What happened?

I remember riding next to him just looking at him... I was so happy that I found someone to love me the way he did...

But never again.

Sitting there full of anticipation while we drive to his house to go make love...

But not anymore.

Now it's a chore... Sex, being in the same room... Everything is hard!

Love isn't like this is it?

It wasn't lust. I've felt that before... I loved everything... The way he looked at me... The passion in his eyes ACTUALLY scared me... His eyes were dangerous. This is lame but I actually did get lost in them... Everything he said was taken in stride or it was a complement. Now when he tells me he wants me to take that Relacore sitting in my room for both of us... I feel like crying.

I need help.

Road trippin' with my two favorite allies
Fully loaded we got snacks and supplies
It's time to leave this town
It's time to steal away
Let's go get lost
Anywhere in the U.S.A.=20

Let's go get lost
Let's go get lost=20

Chorus:
Blue you sit so pretty
West of the one
Sparkles light with yellow icing
Just a mirror for the sun
Just a mirror for the sun
Just a mirror for the sun=20

These Smiling eyes are just a mirror for=20

So much as come before those battles lost and won
This life is shining more forever in the sun
Now let us check our heads
And let us check the surf
Staying high and dry's
More trouble than it's worth
In the sun=20

Just a mirror for the sun
Just a mirror for the sun
Just a mirror for the sun=20

These Smiling eyes are just a mirror for=20

In Big Sur we take some time to linger on
We three hunky dory's got our snakefinger on
Now let us drink the stars
It's time to steal away
Let's go get lost
Right here in the U.S.A=20

Chorus=20

These smiling eyes are just a mirror for
These smiling eyes are just a mirror for
Your smiling eyes are just a mirror for

So I'm at school where I lawfully belong....

Hate it right now.

I don't know how I'm supposed to do anything in this class at all when I can't print out my fucking articles... Perrty hard to do all this bullshit right now...

I just got done with the Accuplacer... It was pretty homosexual American...

Here's my scores...

Reading comprehension

104

Sentence Skills

99

AAAAh ritmetic

111

Elementary Algebra

61

College Level Math

20...

I need Mrs. Collins right now... I don't have any idea what those scores mean. I know the score for reading comp, sentence skills, and Arithmetic are good cuz my sheet says so... But the college level???? Doesn't look good.

IDK!

I gotta go look and see if I got accepted anywhere now..

I don't know... Some days I hate that kid.... Josh... I have so much shit going on now...

Prom tomorrow night...

My dad  going completely psyco and pushing me repeatedly.

Guilt for not going to Bree's benfit for her cancer.

Josh... What can I say about that kid....

He's been pushing for 'expiraments' and things which would be kinda fun but he keeps pushing them about M.... It's really starting to irk (great word) me... When Dakota was here, Norma and I got irrationally mad at her for similar things... And I was a little miffed at Josh for flirting like CONSTANTLY with her... We talked about it and I explained that it did make me a little jealous... I felt like everyone liked her more.... It was a little rash to be pissed about it but I can't help it sometimes and when it comes to Dakota.... Dude... Don't even look at him basically... We're overprotective like that.

So I talked to Josh about it... He apologized and said he'd tone it down and that it was all pretty well good fun... So Friday night she was over and he was pissin me off a little bit... Not hugely but a little... Last night was like IT for me...

I pretty much lost it.

Josh and I were bored and I had a crappy day because of my sperm donor... He suggested alcohol and I (feeling a little bad that M and I weren't doing anything when it was supposed to be prom party night) said we'd go get M... It was pretty much normal Josh behavior until he started giving me a foot massage and then he started doing the same to M... I fairly ignored it and all was well.

Bedtime = my own personal dose of hell.

We all sleep in the same bed... Not bad... Josh in the middle.... Not terrible... Cuddling.... Pretty good.... Cuddling with one of my best friends on the other side of you.... Fucking dumb....

I understand hugs... playful shit but if you don't cuddle with me because I'm not comfortable, don't fucking cuddle with anyone else! DUH!

I hear things that my mind probably threw in, I wonder things like where his hands are and I play out little fucking scenerios in my head... Every grunt, heavy breath and fucking waking moment tortures my neroutic ass.

Finally can't take it and I start to unravel... Here's my fucking kryptonite.... I start to think about cutting again... More crazy, I start to think about cutting myself FOR everyone else...

A little cut for Norma, a huge collection of 5 for Kayl, Josh = some deep fuckers, M little one like Norma, Dad = gash that finally kills me...

Fucking insane dude...

I can't take this shit!

I try talking to Josh but nothing gets through to him...

He wants to (here's a head's up Mysti) go out with M and I at the same time... We can all three go out... As much as I try to explain that I'm almost POSITIVE M doesn't want to... He brings it up again and again. This is almost a week after I slapped the kid for flirting with her...

WTF? <To the max

I understand threesomes to an extent but I don't get this new phase of 'it's okay because you're bi'....????

So I talked to him more about it after we dropped M off...

J- so do you think mysti will do it?

K(me)- I don't think she will... I just don't think it's a good idea...

J- but it's a fantasy of mine and i want you there too....

K- I don't think I can do it though... Seriously, I'm a jealous person... You know that... I can't handle it right now...

J- Well not right now but soon right?

K- No baby... I don't want to do this.... Okay?

J- bla bla bla... something again about fantasies...

The conversation continues. Then we are at his house and things have just gone on and are now ended. Here's the kid's segue... Great... 5 fucking stars

J- See? Now you're done and I still want to... This will be easier later...

K-What? No... I told you I don't want to do that...

J- blah blah

K- aren't you mine?

J- yes but you can share...

K- but I don't want to...

J- too bad...

K- I don't share well, I'm an only child (haha)

J- Well you know what happens to kids who don't share, right? They get things taken away...

Then this conversation continues and the Bipolar kicks in... I imagine the door panel coming off and Alice in Wonderland and Wizard of Oz are crossed together. Just as I'm following Alice, Josh moves and I snap out of it... Then I'm mad because he took me out of it... Then I imagine myself happy and I am...

I take a big swig of the Captain before we leave...

I'm making food in the kitchen and then he comes in and starts it up again.

Here's the only part of the convo that I think isn't completely repetitive.

K- Do you really love me?

J- Yes baby, you know I do....

K- Then why can't I be enough?

(Hence the title.)

After which he left the kitchen and didn't talk to me until he left for work...

*Name of city has been changed for reasons 1. I'm paranoid and 2. no one needs to know anyways.

Let's start with this, my current high school Bullshit High has requirements for me skipping my Senoir year of high school to go to college. Top 25% of my class and a 3.0 GPA... I aquired the GPA and kept it, surprisingly... But my class is only 41 kids! I'm top 16 but that only puts me at top 36% (I think...) So now I find out that Wilkon's school doesn't have the requirements. All they require is that I meet the COLLEGE'S requirements. (That was a lot of the word require and I apologize.)

SWEET!

I'm so stoked... I just hope I don't get stuck at Wilkon's if I can't go to college. I know people from there but I don't really like that school..Or the people... My step sister went there.

So that's my happiest birthday ever...

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO ME! (Not that I'm a Nar-kuh-cist though)... That means I love dogs. <inside joke.