Doom.... Keeps going and going....

So I have wanted to write about this for a long time now. John dumped me earlier this month. I didn't really eat for two days. I couldn't sleep and until recently I've had nightmares having to do with him every night.

I started talking to him again lately and we're trying to be friends. At first I felt so used. He had been wanting to break up with me for about a week. Told me to go to his house and I stayed there for four days. The night I came home I got on facebook a few hours after work and he was on. He dumped me on facebook.

I just wanted to quick update about that but the main reason I'm writing is just to admit all the stupid shit I have done. And that I might understand why.

I never cheated on Kayl until Matt almost raped me. Since then I have cheated on and lied to every boyfriend I've ever had except John. I've had many one night stands because I was drunk and lonely. And the worst thing is that every guy I've ever told about Matt has left me or stopped talking to me. I'm not saying it was because of what happened to me or that I told them but it made me feel like I shouldn't tell anyone anymore. But fuck that.

I'm letting everyone who ever wanted to know, actually know what fucking happened and for once I'm going to scream:

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I wish I didn't feel so vulnerable right now but I can't help it. I trust too easily but I don't see the point in mistrusting everyone I meet  because someone else fucked up my ability to believe them.

Recently I've been hanging out with a guy from work. Ryan. He was the first person at work I told about John dumping me. He listened and saw me start crying and is trying to help me get through it.

Even though I warned him that I wasn't ready for anything right now, we've been hanging out more and more and of course we've been messing around.

He has a two year old daughter named Fayth. She's adorable (but terrible sometimes). He also has another baby on the way in April.

He's not like a normal baby-daddy kind of guy. Fayth was from his marriage and the new kid is from the girl he got together with AFTER him and his ex-wife broke up. He's only ever been with two girls besides me.

I do really like him and we have a lot in common but.... Kids. I"m okay with kids, for awhile. I don't want to lead him on because I do like him but I don't want to tell him why I don't think I can be with him.

I've learned from John that I can't be with a guy I need to work on. I can't work on Ryan because it's not something he can do anything about now.

I just need the guy for me but I am good enough for him when he comes along.

Nothing major. Just a text saying: going to my friends house don't call when you get off work I'll call you when I get home...

What fucking FRIEND?? Can't he say names?

Doesn't help that his ex Bridget asked him how he was on facebook.

I just mostly wish little fucking hoes would stop talking to my fucking boyfriend!!!!

Brandon just came and got his stuff.. He's been back for almost a week and kept telling me he'd come get it this day or that day and it never happened. Well now it has. Seeing him didn't really make me weak at the knees or make me want to just kiss him right there... All it did was validate the point that I don't know if anyone will ever want me the way I need.

Shortly before B came back he was texting me things like I wanna f*ck you and shit that made me feel really used. I finally told him about John and he told me him and Katie were back together and getting fuckin married.

I don't want him back. I don't want anything right now except:

I want one friend in the world that I could talk to.

Just one.

Brandon just came and got his stuff.. He's been back for almost a week and kept telling me he'd come get it this day or that day and it never happened. Well now it has. Seeing him didn't really make me weak at the knees or make me want to just kiss him right there... All it did was validate the point that I don't know if anyone will ever want me the way I need.

Shortly before B came back he was texting me things like I wanna f*ck you and shit that made me feel really used. I finally told him about John and he told me him and Katie were back together and getting fuckin married.

My tattoo'd boy. I still don't know how I'm this lucky right now.

I'm in a really depressed mood right now. I really need something to do here. John and I have been together a little over a month. I just wish I had more faith in our relationship. I guess I'm not used to dating guys who are so good looking. I just think he'll find someone prettier or skinnier or something.

And as dependent as it sounds... well here's the convo I'll tell my thoughts after...

(we were talking about his brother and his girlfriend)

J: I'll never look at relationships the way I did when I was his age... It's not worth it. If a girl doesn't make you happy don't be with her...

Me: yeah that makes sense.

J: Now if I break up with a girl I'll usually be out the same night with someone else...

Is it selfish of me to want him to be at least a little hearbroken?

Maybe. But I don't care that's what I want. I'm pretty sure this won't last forever. I don't have the faith in myself to be the girl he loves so much he never wants to let her go. I hope so but I don't think it will ever happen for me. I've put too much in already and I'm so fucking lost.

I have no one to talk to about any of it.

M is lost too and I don't know how to help her.

I have no one BUT John. And I can't tell him this.

And Brandon and I have been talking a little bit sometimes. This does not help anything. I feel like I have to hold myself together physically to keep my heart from exploding in my chest.

I have no options right now. I know what I need to do but I know I can't handle it. I've been thinking more and more about cutting but I do really care about John and I don't want him to have to deal with that.

Well I had a bad day but I'm trying to keep positive about things right now.

Woke up for my first day back at Best Buy. Felt sick as hell.

Got to my car... Died. Wouldn't move more than a few feet before dying.

Had to make my dad come home from his work to bring me to Best Buy. Got there a few minutes late.

Had a fairly good day at work though so that was kinda cool.

Got a ride home from a co-worker.

Doors to apartment were locked and Dad had my keys. He came and dropped them off after I waited outside for about a half an hour.

Didn't get paid from my other job yet. I was supposed to get the check yesterday! Still nothing.

But on the bright side,

My mom and step-dad are coming down here to bring me my mom's car to use and to take my car back up North for fixing.

Worst thing is... I think it's the Fuel Pump. Usually around a three HUNDRED dollar fix sans labor costs.

But there's nothing that will be fixed just from getting mad about it. I'll admit I was fucking PISSED at the time but staying mad has no good outcomes so I'll just live with it and figure everything out soon.

Maybe I'm growing up???

I've been listening to MM for the last week straight and this is one of my favorite songs ^.

So besides that. I met J last weekend. We found out we have so many wierd things in common. Orange is both our favorite colors. (I know, I know, favorite colors aren't that fucking wierd) So get this: Both our mothers have Lupus. It is an extrememly rare disease and so to know someone with the same kind of situation is really cool. I know he understands it more than I do so maybe he can help me understand my mother's plight better.

Um... Besides that we both will listen to almost any kind of music, which is awesome, we had a singing contest on the way to S.C. the other day. He sings everything from Seether and Manson to fucking Backstreet Boys and Ryan Cabrera. It's amazing.

He's 23 so at least he's not about to go into a mid-life crisis about shit yet ahah.

I really really like him. It's crazy. I'm holding back a little because I know there's still some shit with B that I need to sort through on my own so I'm trying not to rush everything.

No crazy exes OR kids.... Yay! haha.

But other than that... I got my job back at BBY and got my nose pierced. It didn't hurt as much as before... Or maybe I just don't remember haha.

I talked to B for a while tonight to see what he wants me to do with the ring and pictures and stuff. I don't know yet what's going to happen. He said we'll talk more about it later because tonight just turned into a: me bawling and babbling and him (pretending?) not caring about any of it.

I did a Tarot cuz I was so fucking confused. It actually opened my eyes a little bit to the things with B and I also asked what things I need to be a little apprehensive about with J.

But all in all things have been shitty to great the past couple hours and I'm excited for the Fourth.

Oh and Happy Canada Day. =]

I'm having a good day. I got up before 9 o'clock. Had my interview with Brent at Best Buy and everything went pretty well. I'll be making $8.00 an hour which is a quarter more than last time I worked there. I did a drug test for the job and (hopefully) peed enough in the cup. If not I'll be mad lol.

I went to the library and got a Spanish book with a C.D. so that's pretty cool. As well as some Anne Rice books but of course they only had like two different ones because of the whole 'omfg vampires lol i <3 vampires'

Stupid teenage girls.

I'll admit, I have stupid moments too but society, as a whole, seems to be devolving.

But I am having a good day. I'm listening to Mich Hedburg and he's funny as hell... Um... Got to hang out with J-man the other day so that was fun. I just wish he didn't have so much fucking drama going on. Not that I see this really going anywhere (he is 25 with an exwife and two kids) but he's a good person to hang out with. He's funny and we like to just chill and watch movies.

B isn't responding to any of my text messages so I don't completely know if I'm going to get to see him when he comes to visit.

I've also made friends with a guy named Tyler. The only thing is that I'm wondering if I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "HEY IF YOU ARE/WERE IN THE MILITARY... TALK TO MEEEEE!!!!!"

Fucking military.

But my iPod is charged and I'm going to mush my brain a little with some T.V. so laters =]

Okay the title is a little wrong. I don't really know about this job yet. It might be better later but so far it's hard. Wow imagine that, a hard job? WTF?! Just kidding.

The only thing I really hate is that I don't know anyone here so I don't do a lot of work around here. I have to keep going up north and back here. Besides that as I don't know anyone, I have no friends and nothing to do when I'm not working. I did have one friend but a bunch of stupid drama happened and now I don't talk to him anymore cuz he needs a break from the bullshit his ex is putting him thru.

No details available for that unless anyone is actually interested. So I guess since my Mp3 went to shit I'm gonna try to deal with my fuckin stupid iPod. Urg.

Later.