Doom.... Keeps going and going....

Brandon just came and got his stuff.. He's been back for almost a week and kept telling me he'd come get it this day or that day and it never happened. Well now it has. Seeing him didn't really make me weak at the knees or make me want to just kiss him right there... All it did was validate the point that I don't know if anyone will ever want me the way I need.

Shortly before B came back he was texting me things like I wanna f*ck you and shit that made me feel really used. I finally told him about John and he told me him and Katie were back together and getting fuckin married.

Brandon just came and got his stuff.. He's been back for almost a week and kept telling me he'd come get it this day or that day and it never happened. Well now it has. Seeing him didn't really make me weak at the knees or make me want to just kiss him right there... All it did was validate the point that I don't know if anyone will ever want me the way I need.

Shortly before B came back he was texting me things like I wanna f*ck you and shit that made me feel really used. I finally told him about John and he told me him and Katie were back together and getting fuckin married.

I don't want him back. I don't want anything right now except:

I want one friend in the world that I could talk to.

Just one.

My tattoo'd boy. I still don't know how I'm this lucky right now.

I'm in a really depressed mood right now. I really need something to do here. John and I have been together a little over a month. I just wish I had more faith in our relationship. I guess I'm not used to dating guys who are so good looking. I just think he'll find someone prettier or skinnier or something.

And as dependent as it sounds... well here's the convo I'll tell my thoughts after...

(we were talking about his brother and his girlfriend)

J: I'll never look at relationships the way I did when I was his age... It's not worth it. If a girl doesn't make you happy don't be with her...

Me: yeah that makes sense.

J: Now if I break up with a girl I'll usually be out the same night with someone else...

Is it selfish of me to want him to be at least a little hearbroken?

Maybe. But I don't care that's what I want. I'm pretty sure this won't last forever. I don't have the faith in myself to be the girl he loves so much he never wants to let her go. I hope so but I don't think it will ever happen for me. I've put too much in already and I'm so fucking lost.

I have no one to talk to about any of it.

M is lost too and I don't know how to help her.

I have no one BUT John. And I can't tell him this.

And Brandon and I have been talking a little bit sometimes. This does not help anything. I feel like I have to hold myself together physically to keep my heart from exploding in my chest.

I have no options right now. I know what I need to do but I know I can't handle it. I've been thinking more and more about cutting but I do really care about John and I don't want him to have to deal with that.

Well I had a bad day but I'm trying to keep positive about things right now.

Woke up for my first day back at Best Buy. Felt sick as hell.

Got to my car... Died. Wouldn't move more than a few feet before dying.

Had to make my dad come home from his work to bring me to Best Buy. Got there a few minutes late.

Had a fairly good day at work though so that was kinda cool.

Got a ride home from a co-worker.

Doors to apartment were locked and Dad had my keys. He came and dropped them off after I waited outside for about a half an hour.

Didn't get paid from my other job yet. I was supposed to get the check yesterday! Still nothing.

But on the bright side,

My mom and step-dad are coming down here to bring me my mom's car to use and to take my car back up North for fixing.

Worst thing is... I think it's the Fuel Pump. Usually around a three HUNDRED dollar fix sans labor costs.

But there's nothing that will be fixed just from getting mad about it. I'll admit I was fucking PISSED at the time but staying mad has no good outcomes so I'll just live with it and figure everything out soon.

Maybe I'm growing up???

I've been listening to MM for the last week straight and this is one of my favorite songs ^.

So besides that. I met J last weekend. We found out we have so many wierd things in common. Orange is both our favorite colors. (I know, I know, favorite colors aren't that fucking wierd) So get this: Both our mothers have Lupus. It is an extrememly rare disease and so to know someone with the same kind of situation is really cool. I know he understands it more than I do so maybe he can help me understand my mother's plight better.

Um... Besides that we both will listen to almost any kind of music, which is awesome, we had a singing contest on the way to S.C. the other day. He sings everything from Seether and Manson to fucking Backstreet Boys and Ryan Cabrera. It's amazing.

He's 23 so at least he's not about to go into a mid-life crisis about shit yet ahah.

I really really like him. It's crazy. I'm holding back a little because I know there's still some shit with B that I need to sort through on my own so I'm trying not to rush everything.

No crazy exes OR kids.... Yay! haha.

But other than that... I got my job back at BBY and got my nose pierced. It didn't hurt as much as before... Or maybe I just don't remember haha.

I talked to B for a while tonight to see what he wants me to do with the ring and pictures and stuff. I don't know yet what's going to happen. He said we'll talk more about it later because tonight just turned into a: me bawling and babbling and him (pretending?) not caring about any of it.

I did a Tarot cuz I was so fucking confused. It actually opened my eyes a little bit to the things with B and I also asked what things I need to be a little apprehensive about with J.

But all in all things have been shitty to great the past couple hours and I'm excited for the Fourth.

Oh and Happy Canada Day. =]

I'm having a good day. I got up before 9 o'clock. Had my interview with Brent at Best Buy and everything went pretty well. I'll be making $8.00 an hour which is a quarter more than last time I worked there. I did a drug test for the job and (hopefully) peed enough in the cup. If not I'll be mad lol.

I went to the library and got a Spanish book with a C.D. so that's pretty cool. As well as some Anne Rice books but of course they only had like two different ones because of the whole 'omfg vampires lol i <3 vampires'

Stupid teenage girls.

I'll admit, I have stupid moments too but society, as a whole, seems to be devolving.

But I am having a good day. I'm listening to Mich Hedburg and he's funny as hell... Um... Got to hang out with J-man the other day so that was fun. I just wish he didn't have so much fucking drama going on. Not that I see this really going anywhere (he is 25 with an exwife and two kids) but he's a good person to hang out with. He's funny and we like to just chill and watch movies.

B isn't responding to any of my text messages so I don't completely know if I'm going to get to see him when he comes to visit.

I've also made friends with a guy named Tyler. The only thing is that I'm wondering if I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "HEY IF YOU ARE/WERE IN THE MILITARY... TALK TO MEEEEE!!!!!"

Fucking military.

But my iPod is charged and I'm going to mush my brain a little with some T.V. so laters =]

Okay the title is a little wrong. I don't really know about this job yet. It might be better later but so far it's hard. Wow imagine that, a hard job? WTF?! Just kidding.

The only thing I really hate is that I don't know anyone here so I don't do a lot of work around here. I have to keep going up north and back here. Besides that as I don't know anyone, I have no friends and nothing to do when I'm not working. I did have one friend but a bunch of stupid drama happened and now I don't talk to him anymore cuz he needs a break from the bullshit his ex is putting him thru.

No details available for that unless anyone is actually interested. So I guess since my Mp3 went to shit I'm gonna try to deal with my fuckin stupid iPod. Urg.

Later.

I've been so fucked over lately. I can't be one emotion or the other for long. I'm either happy for the moment or I'm cripplingly miserable. And it doesn't make me feel any better that my friends have to suffer my moodswings too. It's not fair to them. It's not their fault. But I don't know what to do.

Misery could use some company right now.

B is gone.

If I write it I still don't believe it. I feel like I'm dreaming...

That's why I've done the things I have. I have to feel alive for a minute. I've cut again. Just to try and feel something and it didn't work. I felt nothing but more misery and guilt. Right now I've had my fill of those two.

And of course, when I fall into this shit, my mind makes up shit. M didn't text me for a weekend. One weekend. And I thought she totally hated me and didn't ever want to talk to me again. I had little flashes of everyone at her house, Buddy, Tori (sp?), Ashley, Ashley C., Jake.... Everyone just sitting around smoking saying they were glad I wasn't there to fuck it up.

Now somewhere in the logical part of my brain I'm saying things like, 'that's not true.... Like they'd waste time talking about you...'.... My logics aren't any better than my fucked-up-ics....

I just feel so fucking alone. N is gone. Johnnidy doesn't talk to me anymore. Coda is out there somewhere in St. C perhaps dead or in trouble. And I'm so scared. I feel like I pushed all my friends away. Though I don't know how. I feel like it.

I always blame myself for shit that I can't help and it's exhausting, honestly. I miss my friends and I miss my life... I don't feel good enough for anyone right now. And the more time I spend with myself, the worse it gets. I've realized I can't stand myself.

So how can anyone else fair better?

I go to bed at night just thinking about something little, like M's shoes last night, and it turns into this big fucking terrible revelation of someone new hating me. I act like I don't care but I care a lot. And I wish I didn't.

No one will listen to me and I feel so utterly alone.

As I was saying before I went on a rant, I go to bed at night and I just cry. For hours. Uncontrollably.

It's such a crippling depression and I have no idea what to do.

I feel literally like a hole has been torn in my chest and it hurts. It does feel like my fucking heart is gone. And I'm so scared.

I love B so much and I've already fucked everything up, I know.

I don't expect him to understand at all.

He won't understand. He'll just leave and I'll never hear from him again. Like ever.

I've cried for so many nights. Ever since he left, I think I had one night that didn't involve tears.

I wake up in the middle of the night with this growing gap in my chest and I just curl into a ball and cry. I need someone to listen to me NOW....

I don't know how long I can do this.

Before I shatter.

I'm going to try sleeping. Sometime tonight....

Failblog. What else is there to say haha.

Did pretty much nothing today but get kicked out of a pointless class that has nothing to do with what people will treat you like in the real fucking world. You want an apartment, well you make $80000 dollars a week, so just cash that fucking imaginary check and I suppose if you're careful, you can do it!

What bullshit.

(BTW: We are getting BUTT RAPED! with snow for the next few days so..... OVEN HERE I COME!!)

My letters to B just get sadder and sadder. I feel like I have nothing to say anymore. I'm glad he won't see them until after he gets back. If I can handle this that long. I really don't know if I can do this anymore. It hasn't even been that long but, the less new stories I have to tell about him, the more I feel like he's just someone I made up. I must be crazy to think like that, but I do.

Like he was just a really great dream....

I find myself having a much shorter fuse. (to point out the obvious) Even to my friends. No, more like ESPECIALLY to my friends. I feel terrible about it but I don't know what to do or say. It really is like a piece of me is gone. M and C get to see each other and (FUCK- I'm really jealous about the fuck part.) so I'm stuck here alone. I have nothing to occupy my time.

Yay! Monday- N doesn't have treatment, chill w/ her till Eleven or so cuz I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts

Tuesday- Sucktastic. Nothing usually planned, but nothing of any significance.

Wednesday- M has art club, sit around there for a while. Then listen to some good-halfway decent music at T station.

Thursday- Everyone's pumped for the weekend. Except Emo-me.

Friday- YAY!! M leaves for C's (except this weekend, so I'm holding out a little hope there...)

Saturday- Sit on my fat lazy ass until N gets done with treatment, then do something stupid or watch her get stoned, maybe hang out with Johnny.

Sunday- Pretty much the same, only tighter curfew for N and no treatment as well... So I sit on my fat lazy ass WITH her.... YAY

There's my week outline. Pretty epic huh?

Maybe that will give someone a little insight to why the fuck I'm so crabby. (**Don't mean this like a bitch I assure you =\ **) But I don't know what to do anymore.

B's mom didn't write me today. I hope his G'pa's okay.

I guess I just have to live until I get that letter in the mail, possibly assuring me for another day that I didn't dream him up and that he really does care. Well I know he cares but.... It's hard to see that right this minute...

Night y'all.