Lucky?

So it's still technically Valentine's day.. A day that's been nothing less than disappointing most years... I can't help but think of J again... I remember him coming home on V-day waking me up and putting a feather-rose in my hand... I don't want to admit this to anyone else but I think I have to sometime. I think about him everyday.

I don't know what's wrong with me... It's just pretty hard to get over him which sounds so fucking stupid cuz I close to hated him sometimes. But I'm just gonna deal with this as I go...

As for my valentine's day this year it was pretty good. I went to get B from his house cuz we were gonna get my oil changed but we ended up just coming back here (my dad's). We watched tv and movies most of the day... My dad suggested order-in chinese and we just chilled. Today really was a good day though.. He laughed about the Redneck presents and wore the hat for a little bit haha.

He was being a brat and wouldn't kiss me he kept moving his head and I felt my heart sink. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. Since Kayl really. He was laying on his stomach pretending to sleep and I just started rubbing his back. I remember when I was with Josh I hated doing pretty much anything for him but with Brandon I don't care if he does anything for me as long as I can make him content. In short I really realized how deeply I care about him. I haven't loved someone like this for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.

I can't tell him about Kayl.

It kills me but I can't. I just can't deal with never seeing him again.

*On a cuter note he looked at his watch last night and said 1 month and 3 days. I can't believe he knows that. I didn't remember it.

He's really everything I need. As much as he's completely opposite and crazy I love every minute of it.

We were watching the end of Sixth Sense and I started crying cuz it's sad (I'm a baby I know). So he thought it was a good time to talk. haha crazy kid. He'd read my book earlier and didn't say anything about it. So now he says: "you really that worried about me leaving?"

I wanted to scream DUH! but instead I was like yeah.. Idk why but sometimes I just really worry about it.

Then he reassures me by saying he has way too much to lose if he goes to Afghanistan. He has his family, his daughter, and me, and his friends. I had to bite my tounge to keep from saying "so does everyone else who dies there!" but I want to be more reassuring so I just tried not to cry. I don't want him to go to Basic. I'm scared.

I'd do anything for him but I'm scared I can't stop this stupid shit. It's crazy, if I concentrate, I can make myself think that Kayl was just a dream. And I believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do... I love him so much.

On top of all of this shit I'm so scared to graduate. I keep putting off the scholarships and stuff cuz it'll make it real to me. I've had a taste of college life. It was hard as fuck. And I didn't even have to worry about rent, food, money and shit. Just the work. Now I'll have rent, food, utlities, tuition... All that shit and possibly more if B gets custody... I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so fucking scared all the time that it shouldn't seem different but it is. It's terrible. But I'm gonna stop freaking right now...

Mysti I'm glad we'll both be close... I don't know what I'd do without you there. =]