The Girl You Never Knew

I've been so fucked over lately. I can't be one emotion or the other for long. I'm either happy for the moment or I'm cripplingly miserable. And it doesn't make me feel any better that my friends have to suffer my moodswings too. It's not fair to them. It's not their fault. But I don't know what to do.

Misery could use some company right now.

B is gone.

If I write it I still don't believe it. I feel like I'm dreaming...

That's why I've done the things I have. I have to feel alive for a minute. I've cut again. Just to try and feel something and it didn't work. I felt nothing but more misery and guilt. Right now I've had my fill of those two.

And of course, when I fall into this shit, my mind makes up shit. M didn't text me for a weekend. One weekend. And I thought she totally hated me and didn't ever want to talk to me again. I had little flashes of everyone at her house, Buddy, Tori (sp?), Ashley, Ashley C., Jake.... Everyone just sitting around smoking saying they were glad I wasn't there to fuck it up.

Now somewhere in the logical part of my brain I'm saying things like, 'that's not true.... Like they'd waste time talking about you...'.... My logics aren't any better than my fucked-up-ics....

I just feel so fucking alone. N is gone. Johnnidy doesn't talk to me anymore. Coda is out there somewhere in St. C perhaps dead or in trouble. And I'm so scared. I feel like I pushed all my friends away. Though I don't know how. I feel like it.

I always blame myself for shit that I can't help and it's exhausting, honestly. I miss my friends and I miss my life... I don't feel good enough for anyone right now. And the more time I spend with myself, the worse it gets. I've realized I can't stand myself.

So how can anyone else fair better?

I go to bed at night just thinking about something little, like M's shoes last night, and it turns into this big fucking terrible revelation of someone new hating me. I act like I don't care but I care a lot. And I wish I didn't.

No one will listen to me and I feel so utterly alone.

As I was saying before I went on a rant, I go to bed at night and I just cry. For hours. Uncontrollably.

It's such a crippling depression and I have no idea what to do.

I feel literally like a hole has been torn in my chest and it hurts. It does feel like my fucking heart is gone. And I'm so scared.

I love B so much and I've already fucked everything up, I know.

I don't expect him to understand at all.

He won't understand. He'll just leave and I'll never hear from him again. Like ever.

I've cried for so many nights. Ever since he left, I think I had one night that didn't involve tears.

I wake up in the middle of the night with this growing gap in my chest and I just curl into a ball and cry. I need someone to listen to me NOW....

I don't know how long I can do this.

Before I shatter.

I'm going to try sleeping. Sometime tonight....