Posts (page 2)

Today has been utter shit. Simba died. (My cat) He's been in bad shape for quite some time now... I've had him since I was 2 years old. He would be around 16 or so... I kinda had a feeling this morning when I left for the dr. that he was going slowly. I thought he'd live forever though.

I got to talk to B again I was so happy but it's always so loud and I feel like I can't tell him anything right now cuz he'll feel bad that he can't be here for me.

That's why I'm so mad at M.

I'll admit it's unfair to be mad about B being gone bcuz there's nothing she can do about that. But when C's just mean to me for no reason it really bothers me. I don't even want to write anymore bcuz I have no idea what to say anymore.

I literally feel like my life is falling apart. It's down to Nermin and I. How long till she backs out cuz she doesn't know how to help me? Or worse, till she falls into her drug cycle again?

I never get to talk to my mom. Josh drives me nuts! My dad's never really understood me and he wouldn't know what to tell me.

I know I'm probably over-reacting but I can't help it. I barely made it a week without B. How am I supposed to deal with 6 months?

Especially if M and I keep fighting. I'm so fucking scared I'm gonna lose everything. How many friends have I lost this year? How many will I end up with?

It's all just so hard right now. I miss Simba so much and I know he's a cat but he was my family and I loved him.

M if you read this I hope it makes a little sense. I don't know what to do right now and I'm sorry if I took some of my anger with C out on you but it does really bother me.

I hope court goes well tomorrow.

Kidding. Surprisingly I had an okay day. B's leaving tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that tonight was the last night I get to hear his voice for about 10 weeks. =[ I can't even explain the misery going on right now. He left me the cutest fucking letter ever on my tagged account. I love him so much... Even if he's the biggest dork ever haha

YEA ive got aids ahhh anyways kylie i love you and i will see u when i get back hopefully u can come down with my rents mabye to see me grad and i can see u before ait i love you and cant wait to really be wiht you, ya know its just these past months that ive realized u really are my world sure ive been wiht other people and told them no one has ever made me feel this way but when i say this to you i really mean it and i cant fucken explain it when u read this plz dont cry i know i cant be there for you right now and it really hurts me and i kno i cant say i love you enough and i also promise i will come back to you and ill try not to change i guess waht i just really wanna say is that i wnna be with u kylie i realy do were so different but the same and i love it i love youi promise i will write you i will write ever time i can and call u when i get the chance it wil be so nice to hear ur voice but i really cant wait to hold u in my arms again i live for that moment and soon i will have that everyday crazy enough i know but i just cant wait i love you and dont do anything stupid wile im gone or ill kick urs and mystis ass btw ur married so u should get on that haha

Don't ask about the end part bcuz I don't understand it at all man... He can't spell but that's okay. Anything that drives me crazy, doesn't matter with him. I think this is real love. I do.

Wow though. Really wow. I didn't know he really felt all this shit... I'm so fucking happy.

6 months is a LONG fucking time but it's going to be okay. He always tells me it will be okay. Always.

And I believe it all. If I get crushed, this is going to be the worst. He's really my everything. And I can't wait to tell him that I love him in person again. He's going to be in SC for Basic and then TX for AIT. He's going to be a medic... Sweet! Now I won't have to worry about dying all the time haha.

I took a video of him. Just talking to me. And I love it. It makes me cry but it's okay. I lied, I'm not really miserable. Just a little lonely I guess. But he'll be back and I'm so stoked.

N and I got into it a little today about her fucking drug shit. I'm really just getting sick of taking care of everyone else. I want it to be about me a little for these couple months. Once I graduate it will be about my job and my (hopeful) apartment and bills. For now, I want as little stress as humanly possible.

I told her that she needs to stop this shit or I'm really not going to be there for her anymore. She needs to quit pot. I don't totally agree with that but she does over-do it a lot. And her parents need her to. Just until she's done with UA's. Then I don't care if she smokes herself retarded ONCE IN A WHILE!!

But I'm gonna go to bed. Tiff's here and Willy's finally walking. I guess he might be okay. I hope to god he is.

I love B so much. He makes everything seem better.=]

Omg it's true. Everything is unblocked at school today. Checked my Myspace in Fourth hour cuz Kjera never showed up for filming our video. It's so effin funny. The bloopers are the best part!

Going to B-Town soon... I can't wait. But B was acting like an A-hole yesterday... Wow that's way too many shortenings of words. Whatever you call that. I can't think right now.

I'm not sure why he was but it made me really mad. I texted him first. He texted back for a little while, then stopped for a few hours. (This continued through the night. He wouldn't text me first, which is weird) And he never called me. He always calls me after school or before he goes to work or whenever. He always does. Yesterday, nothing. So then I was texting him after I dropped off M and C at M's house.

Don't remember what started it or what but here's the end of it...

Me: wish I was there with you =[

B: Yeah.

Me: I'm sad.

B: Y love

(BTW: I LOVE it when he calls me that =]])

Me: Cuz i dont' have a job and your leaving soon. Mostly the last one. =[

B: I'm sorry

Me: It's okay.

B: NOTHING!!! WTF??? Fucking stupid kid!

[Like 30 mins Later]

B: Hi

Me: um... hi...

B: NOTHING AGAIN!!!

Me: um... oookay??

B: What?

Me: nothing

B: Whatever then bye

Me: Fine. Bye.

Then I continued to cry as I was while I texted him that I was sad. I haven't talked to him yet today. Usually when this kind of stuff happens he texts me in the middle of the night so I wake up to something like:

B: Baby I'm an asshole. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you.

But no. Nothing this morning. No Mysti to cheer me up a little. No nothing.

I wanna cry right now. But I won't.

I really don't know what to do about this kid. I love him so much.

So it's still technically Valentine's day.. A day that's been nothing less than disappointing most years... I can't help but think of J again... I remember him coming home on V-day waking me up and putting a feather-rose in my hand... I don't want to admit this to anyone else but I think I have to sometime. I think about him everyday.

I don't know what's wrong with me... It's just pretty hard to get over him which sounds so fucking stupid cuz I close to hated him sometimes. But I'm just gonna deal with this as I go...

As for my valentine's day this year it was pretty good. I went to get B from his house cuz we were gonna get my oil changed but we ended up just coming back here (my dad's). We watched tv and movies most of the day... My dad suggested order-in chinese and we just chilled. Today really was a good day though.. He laughed about the Redneck presents and wore the hat for a little bit haha.

He was being a brat and wouldn't kiss me he kept moving his head and I felt my heart sink. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. Since Kayl really. He was laying on his stomach pretending to sleep and I just started rubbing his back. I remember when I was with Josh I hated doing pretty much anything for him but with Brandon I don't care if he does anything for me as long as I can make him content. In short I really realized how deeply I care about him. I haven't loved someone like this for a long time and it scares the shit out of me.

I can't tell him about Kayl.

It kills me but I can't. I just can't deal with never seeing him again.

*On a cuter note he looked at his watch last night and said 1 month and 3 days. I can't believe he knows that. I didn't remember it.

He's really everything I need. As much as he's completely opposite and crazy I love every minute of it.

We were watching the end of Sixth Sense and I started crying cuz it's sad (I'm a baby I know). So he thought it was a good time to talk. haha crazy kid. He'd read my book earlier and didn't say anything about it. So now he says: "you really that worried about me leaving?"

I wanted to scream DUH! but instead I was like yeah.. Idk why but sometimes I just really worry about it.

Then he reassures me by saying he has way too much to lose if he goes to Afghanistan. He has his family, his daughter, and me, and his friends. I had to bite my tounge to keep from saying "so does everyone else who dies there!" but I want to be more reassuring so I just tried not to cry. I don't want him to go to Basic. I'm scared.

I'd do anything for him but I'm scared I can't stop this stupid shit. It's crazy, if I concentrate, I can make myself think that Kayl was just a dream. And I believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do... I love him so much.

On top of all of this shit I'm so scared to graduate. I keep putting off the scholarships and stuff cuz it'll make it real to me. I've had a taste of college life. It was hard as fuck. And I didn't even have to worry about rent, food, money and shit. Just the work. Now I'll have rent, food, utlities, tuition... All that shit and possibly more if B gets custody... I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so fucking scared all the time that it shouldn't seem different but it is. It's terrible. But I'm gonna stop freaking right now...

Mysti I'm glad we'll both be close... I don't know what I'd do without you there. =]

We were moving much too f a  s   t===

There was something wrong

Breathing in sequence

Then we lost the R.H..Y...T....H.....M

Smashing into reality

Through all the rubble

I spot you far away

Are you still here?

Breathing in your life

Until we slowly d_r__i__f___t

This will last baby

But don't forget

When I'm gone

So my vacation from real life is ending... I have to go back to school on Tuesday and I have to figure out when I work and shit so...

Its like everything is getting pulled up from under me. I got so used to B staying here but he went back home today. I felt like screaming 'FUCK THAT STAY HERE!' but there's a few things wrong w/ that... He has to work here. He has his kid here...

I know it was selfish to think it but is it selfish to think things and have enough sense not to say them?

I've cried the past couple nights when I've slept alone anyway.. Thinking about B and how much I'll miss him...

This is gonna be so hard. I'm kinda depressed about it...

I think B understands but idk for sure...

Well I don't really know what else to say except that I hate to go. It seems like we were really getting into this little vacation we both had but it can't be a picnic all year I guess...

It's just a couple months after all

I still have reasons.

I thought this was a perfect example of 'religion wars' in our world.

There are good as well as bad things about this....

Pros

• Finally someone made a step for Christians to shut the hell up (the ones who cram religion down peoples' throats anyway... Quiet Christians are dandy :)
• Great quote :)
• Still upbeat. Proves that not all Athiests and Agnostics are just too self-centered and morbid to believe in something. Just that they choose to 'look before they leap' in a sense...
• This was in retalliation of slogans containing some 'Jesus Said' quotes and a website which said that all non-believers and sinners were going to burn in Hell for eternity... Good job in shutting them the FUCK UP for once..

However I wouldn't feel right if I didn't report all my thoughts on this...

Cons

• Athiests now have something more annoying than the 'Jesus Fish'.
• The 'Cramming Christians' are going to freak out and retalliate because (and this is a lame excuse for a backlash but it WILL happen) "An Eye for an Eye".
• Upbeat as it may be (considering the 'probably') someone is STILL going to think it's terribly morbid.

All in all I do appreciate this but I know what it is and what it will probably lead to.. Good job Ariane.. I give you props.

As I said 'Quiet Christians are dandy'... What I mean is that if you are whatever religion you want to be and you don't go around being a hypocrite by... Oh I don't know...

• Judging when you shall NOT be the judge. (God has to have something to do when we all die in 2012)
• Freaking out when someone says 'the Lord's name' in vain or whatnot... If it isn't your soul... DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!
• Talking constantly about your 'Salvation' and the 'Rapture' and other mumbo jumbo to people who don't care or would rather crack themselves in the knee-cap then listen to you talk anymore...
• As well as various other annoyances.

Basically what I'm trying to get at is that you don't have to NEVER tell ANYONE about your beliefs but don't fight about them. You will probably NEVER win. That's up to whomever is thinking about it to change beliefs or not. And usually you bitching about them going to hell will NOT win them over to the 'Bright Side'.

So if you wanna check this story out... Link below. I declare today, January 10th, NON-RELIGION DAY!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jan/06/religion-atheism

So I know this is really soon but I told you I always fall fast and hard... B told me he loved me... I figured we'd wait a while to say these things to each other but I really do feel it... I mean not like LOVE OF MY LIFE kind of love because I know that takes time... But for me I feel love for many people pretty quickly...

We've been talking about living together when I move back down here which wouldn't be until June at the earliest... We both agree we need to know each other a little better before we take that risk but it would be fun... I really don't know what it is about this guy that has me so head-over-heels... We're total opposites but we agree on a lot. We argue but always in good fun.. He just gets me even when i make no sense...

Wow... I really love this boy.... :)

I know I might get hurt but, its worth it to get to know someone awesome right? No don't answer that but I think it's totally worth it...

Happy 2009 guys...

I just wanted to check in a little but I decided to post a little something with substance...

B wants to enlist in the Army Reserves... I know he really wants to and in all reality I have no say... But I selfishly think about it a lot. 7 months just for training is insane. I know he'd come back a better man (his words) but I think he's one of the best anyways... Regardless of what I think he's gonna want to do it. I know this but it's hard to deal with... He's asked me why I don't want him to and I told him about my views on this war... all that shit that he already knows... and that I'll miss him. 7 months is too long to go without him... He's amazing.. It wouldn't be active duty so he'd have to get 'activated' to go anywhere but... Still...

My dad wrote this cool blog about the new year and me turning 18... It was really cute... I know he loves me but it's strange that he can't really tell me any of this ya know? lol I understand tho cuz I'm kinda the same way... Text is safer than verbal words... You can still be rejected but at least they can't see your face ya know? I dunno....

Anyway my only new years resolution is to write in my journal every day this year... At least until I  turn 18...

Happy 2009 once again!! Live it up cuz the world's ending in 2012 haha

I never meant to give you mushrooms girl...

lol I'm listening to Eminem... I love it..

Even better hair pics.. Yes, I dyed it today and got the dye all over EVERYTHING lol